The Spaces Between - Part 1

[lah_mrh]

Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, AU!Kirk/AU!Spock, slight Kirk/AU!Spock
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Weeks after the events of The Voyage Home, Spock is still piecing together his memories, unaware of the relationship that once existed between him and Kirk. Kirk, for his part, is determined to suffer in silence, but when a Spock from an alternate universe appears, still reeling from the loss of his own James Kirk, all their lives are thrown into chaos.
Words: ~7700/14900
Warnings: Consent issues

It isn't that Kirk isn't grateful. He's more grateful than he can express. Spock is alive, all charges that Kirk and the others incurred for saving him have been dropped, Earth is safe once again, and Kirk is a starship captain once more, albeit one without an actual starship. (He doesn't begrudge Command their slowness on this issue; they have bigger things to deal with after all, given how close the Whale Probe came to destroying Earth.)

Taking all that into account, it seems unbearably selfish and entitled to ask for anything more, and Kirk recognises that, he does. But it doesn't stop the jagged pain inside whenever his mind brushes up against the broken bond, and the pain is only magnified every time Spock looks at him with bland confusion, or pulls away from his touch, or calls him Captain. In his darker moments, Kirk notes that Spock managed the transition from Admiral to Captain almost effortlessly, and wonders what it means that the transition to 'Jim' is so much harder for him.

They don't even live together any more. Spock is currently living at the Vulcan embassy. Kirk tells himself it's only logical for Spock to be closer to the healers – he is still not fully recovered after all – but he knows it's only an excuse. Spock is there because their apartment is filled with mementoes of their life together, of a relationship Spock no longer remembers.

Spock has only been there once since he came back. He spent several minutes staring at a picture of the two of them with McCoy, long enough that Kirk began to hope it had jogged his memory, but then he turned away without a word and Kirk's fractured heart broke a little more.

It isn't that he's not happy Spock's back. He still remembers the pain when Spock was dead, the feeling that he would gladly follow him if only Spock hadn't expressed a wish for Kirk to live on. He isn't sure where he'd be right now if he hadn't gotten Spock back. The very thought makes him shudder, and sometimes even now wakes him up in a cold sweat. He is incredibly lucky to have been handed such a miracle, and he knows that.

It's just hard, sometimes, to keep that in mind when he goes to sleep alone in the big bed in their apartment, and reaches out instinctively for a hand that isn't there.

Tonight he's going through some of the five thousand or so forms he has to complete to be fully reinstated as a starship captain. He doesn't bother reading most of them, just skims them to make sure he isn't signing away his immortal soul or agreeing to host the annual Admiral's luncheon or something similarly disturbing.

He adds his signature to the bottom of the latest one and sends it off to be processed, then stops for a moment to rest his hand and rub his eyes. He considers stopping for the night, but right now even falling asleep in his chair seems preferable to spending another night in that big bed all alone.

His PADD beeps with a message and he stops for a moment to read it. It turns out to be from Gillian, and he finds himself smiling faintly as he reads her descriptions of her work on the Darwin. She sounds happy, excited to show off her new knowledge, and mentions that her colleagues seem as fascinated by her tales of the twentieth century as she is by the twenty-third.

Kirk reads through the message twice before setting it aside to respond to later. He's quite fond of Gillian, despite – or perhaps because of – her complete lack of response to his charms. If things were different she's exactly the kind of woman he'd go for; intelligent, attractive, driven. But he gave up on all that when he and Spock got together – really before they got together, if he's honest – and he has no plans to restart it all now.

A little voice in the back of his mind asks what he'll do if Spock never remembers, but he forces it down firmly and turns back to his work.

He has barely loaded the next form, however, when he is interrupted by the door chime. He sets down his PADD and rises slowly from his seat, wondering who could be calling at this hour. He isn't expecting visitors – to be honest he's become something of a hermit since their return to Earth. And even if he were in the mood to entertain visitors, they would not be arriving at – he checks the time – 2256.

The door chimes again, jerking him out of his thoughts, and it occurs to him that a surprise visit at this time could mean an emergency of some sort.

His heart speeds up and he is at the door in an instant. He opens it, fearing the worst, and is confronted with…

Spock.

He looks tired, dark shadows visible beneath his eyes, but he brightens noticeably at Kirk's appearance. The look that spreads across his face is almost awe, and he reaches out to touch Kirk's arm. "Jim," he breathes.

Kirk just stares at him. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, Spock, but it's eleven at night. What are you doing here?"

Spock seems to reign himself in a little, pulling his arm back and straightening up. "I wished to see you," he says. "I… needed to see you."

Something in his manner makes Kirk hesitate, an idea surfacing in his mind despite every effort to subdue it. "Are you… do you remember?" he asks.

A shadow crosses Spock's face, briefly, as if the question confuses him. But in an instant it's gone and he replies firmly, "Yes, Jim. I remember everything."

Kirk can feel his heart pounding in his chest, but he has to be sure. "You remember us?"

Spock nods, then reaches out and gently takes Kirk's hand. Kirk closes his eyes briefly, basking in the touch, before he can't hold himself back any longer. He surges forwards and wraps his arms around Spock, burying his head in his shoulder. "I missed you so much," he mumbles. "I tried to be happy, to tell myself it didn't matter, but all I wanted was to hold you and kiss you…." He trails off as his voice threatens to break with emotion, and just grips Spock tighter.

Spock's arms tighten around him in response. "I missed you too, t'hy'la," he says. "More than you can know."

Kirk pulls away enough to look at Spock, tracing the beloved face with his eyes, then, trembling, with his hands. Spock's eyes crinkle with affection, and he leans forward and brushes his lips against Kirk's.

For a moment Kirk can't do anything but stand there, his mind suddenly filled with the last time he and Spock kissed; in his quarters on the Enterprise, right before everything went to hell. With an effort he forces the memory out of his mind and concentrates on kissing Spock back, all of the pain and misery and frustration of the past few months draining out of him as the world narrows to this moment, the two of them finally together once more, as they should be.

He's faintly breathless by the time they finally pull apart, and he presses his forehead against Spock's, unwilling to be any further from him than he has to be.

Spock's hand finds his and entwines their fingers, and something clenches in Kirk's chest. "I love you," he blurts.

Spock doesn't respond, but he grips Kirk's hand tighter and brings his free hand up to stroke Kirk's cheek.

Kirk sways on his feet, his exhaustion catching up to him all at once. Spock steadies him, looking concerned. "Jim?"

"I'm fine, Spock," Kirk reassures him with a smile. "Just tired." He leans against Spock and adds quietly, "Come to bed with me? Not to… I just need you to hold me."

"Of course," Spock replies. "Whatever you need."

* * *

Kirk takes his time in the bathroom, half afraid that Spock will be gone when he gets out. He isn't, though, thankfully. He's sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for Kirk.

Kirk just stares at him for a moment, then clears his throat and says, "All your stuff's still there, so use what you want." He shrugs and adds, "I thought about getting rid of it, but I… couldn't."

"I understand," Spock replies. "Thank you."

Kirk watches as he disappears into the bathroom, then turns away and begins to strip off his clothes, folding them one at a time and placing them on a chair. He makes it down to his boxers before hesitating, feeling vaguely silly. This is Spock after all, it's not like Kirk has anything he hasn't seen before. But going naked feels too… intimate right now. Given everything that has happened, Kirk isn't sure he's comfortable with that level of vulnerability, even with Spock.

Perhaps especially with Spock.

In the end he leaves the boxers on and climbs into bed.

Spock emerges from the bathroom a few moments later. He seems more comfortable than Kirk feels, but there's a barely noticeable tension about him as he approaches the bed. He goes to remove his clothes, then hesitates. "Would you be more comfortable if I remained clothed?" he asks, and Kirk loves him just a tiny bit more for the question.

Kirk shakes his head. "But would you maybe wear one of your sleeping robes?" he asks. "I've missed seeing you in them."

Spock's expression softens. "Of course," he says. He goes over to the closet and pulls out the deep blue one that has always been Kirk's favourite. He disrobes in his usual efficient manner, and pulls on the sleeping robe. Kirk's breath catches in his throat at the rush of memory.

Spock turns to him with a faint smile, and a moment later is slipping under the covers next to him, close enough for Kirk to feel his warmth. Kirk hesitates, but only for a second before he shifts closer and curls around Spock, the way he's been wishing to do for months. He rests his head on Spock's shoulder and settles a hand on his side, over his heart, taking comfort from the inhumanly fast heartbeat under his palm.

"I thought I'd never feel this again," he mumbles, as Spock's fingers begin combing gently through his hair.

"Rest, Jim," Spock says. "I am here." Then, more quietly, "I will always be here."

Reassured, Kirk curls closer to the beloved body and allows himself to drift into sleep.

* * *

Kirk wakes up the next morning feeling rested in a way he hasn't felt in a long time. He rolls over to see Spock staring at him, wearing a look of wonder that matches Kirk's feelings exactly. Kirk shifts closer, smiling. "Were you watching me sleep?" he asks mock-sternly.

Spock's eyes seem to shine with warmth as he replies, "I find it soothing."

It's an old joke between them, and something in Kirk breaks at the words. He surges forward and kisses Spock. Not a chaste kiss, the kind of kiss meant to lead to other things. One hand wraps around Spock's back while the other begins to unfasten his robe.

He has just succeeded in divesting Spock of his robe, and is about to strip off his own boxers when the comm beeps. Kirk gives serious thought to just ignoring it, but he's a Starfleet officer first and foremost, and in the end his training wins out. "I have to answer that," he says, pulling away reluctantly. "I'll be right back, okay?" He smiles and adds, "I'm not finished with you yet."

"Indeed," Spock agrees in a low tone, sending shivers down Kirk's spine. "I look forward to your return."

Kirk grins, then slips out of bed and grabs a t-shirt, pulling it over his head as he hurries out of the bedroom towards the comm. He slips into the seat and activates the screen, wanting to get this over with as fast as possible.

It turns out to be McCoy. "Hey, Jim," he says. "Did I wake you?"

Kirk shakes his head. "Not exactly." He can't quite keep the smile off his face.

McCoy stares at him for a second, but must decide not to ask. "Well, I just wanted to say I'll be visiting a friend of mine over by your place this morning, and I thought you might want to meet up afterwards for lunch."

Ordinarily Kirk would say yes, but at the moment all he wants to do is stay in with Spock and focus on getting… reacquainted. "Sorry, Bones, I've got plans," he says. "Maybe some other time." It takes effort not to just blurt out the whole story, but he manages to restrain himself. The broad grin, however, refuses to be subdued.

"All right, I'll bite," McCoy says. "Why the hell are you so cheery all of a sudden?"

Kirk leans a little closer to the screen, still grinning. "I spent the night with Spock." He waves a hand before McCoy can comment. "Not like that. We just slept. But he remembers, Bones. He remembers everything. He's in there right now waiting for me."

He expects McCoy to be pleased – he's been getting on Kirk's case about his moping over Spock – but instead he looks concerned. "You say Spock's with you right now?" he asks.

"That's right," Kirk replies, his smile fading. "Why?"

McCoy frowns. "Jim, I saw Spock not ten minutes ago. He's at the embassy. And he didn't say anything about seeing you."

"But that's impossible," Kirk says. "He's here with me right now."

McCoy's face has gone white. "Jim. Listen to me. I don't know who's there with you, but believe me, it isn't Spock."

Kirk's blood runs cold. "Call security," he orders, and switches the screen off before McCoy can respond.

He reaches into the drawer where he keeps his phaser and checks the power levels. Fully charged, good. He sets it to stun, then slowly approaches the bedroom.

Spock – or whoever he is – is right where Kirk left him, lying in bed as if nothing is amiss. He raises an eyebrow as Kirk points the phaser at him. "Jim, what are you doing?"

"Who are you?" Kirk demands.

Spock frowns. "I am Spock."

Kirk barks a laugh. "No, you're not. The real Spock's at the embassy with Bones, and he doesn't remember a thing. So tell me, who are you really?"

Spock stares at him, a hint of sadness entering his eyes. "Jim…."

Kirk grits his teeth, gripping the phaser a little tighter. "Tell me who you are!"

Spock sighs. "I've already told you, I am Spock." Incensed, Kirk opens his mouth to reply, but before he can Spock adds, "Just not the Spock you are familiar with."

Kirk narrows his eyes at him. "Explain."

"I come from an alternate universe."

"Really," Kirk replies, unconvinced. Although, truth be told, it wouldn't be the least likely thing that has ever happened to him. Probably wouldn't even make the top five.

"Yes," Spock says. He tilts his head. "I would be willing to tell you more, but perhaps you could lower the phaser? If I wanted to harm you I had ample opportunity while you were sleeping in my arms."

Kirk's cheeks heat at the memory, but Spock does have a point. He lowers the phaser slowly until his arm is hanging at his side. "Get dressed," he orders. "I think we need to talk."

Once they are both dressed, they settle in the living room. Kirk launches into questions almost immediately. "How did you get here?"

Spock steeples his fingers in a familiar gesture. "I admit I am not certain of the history of this universe, but in mine, we once encountered an ion storm that interfered with the beaming process enough to swap the landing party with their alternates from another universe. One that was rather less… civilised than our own."

Kirk nods, the memory vivid in his mind. "Yes, that happened here too." He smiles faintly. "You had a beard."

"Indeed," Spock replies. Humour flickers briefly in his eyes before disappearing. "Using data from that experience, I was able to develop a device that would transport me to a universe different from my own."

"But why?" Kirk asks, frowning. "Why would you want to come here?" His frown deepens, as he adds, "And why did you lie to me? Why did you let me think you were my Spock?"

Spock suddenly looks very tired, pain showing in his eyes. "I apologise for that," he says. "I meant to tell you who I truly was, but when I saw you…." He trails off briefly, then continues, "You asked me why I came here. I came because in my world James Kirk died five months ago."

Kirk takes a sharp breath, feeling as if he's been punched in the gut. He opens his mouth – to say what, he doesn't know, but he has to say something – but Spock continues before he has the chance to speak. "I regret deceiving you, but you were… are… so very beautiful, and when you welcomed me I felt as though I had been given a second chance."

"How…." Kirk clears his throat and tries again. "How did I die?"

Spock closes his eyes briefly. "Our warp drive was damaged. You were attempting to fix it. You succeeded, but succumbed to radiation mere minutes later." He grips his hands together and adds, "I would have done anything to take your place."

"You did," Kirk says, the words slipping out before he realises he is going to speak. "That happened here, that exact situation, but you were the one who went into the reactor room. I watched you die right in front of me."

Some of the pain in Spock's eyes is briefly replaced by interest. "But my counterpart is alive, is he not?" he asks. "You speak of him in the present tense, and your surprise last night was not that of one confronting someone thought to be dead."

"Yes, he's alive," Kirk confirms. "We managed to get him back." He grimaces and adds, "Well, most of him."

Before Spock can respond the are interrupted by a pounding on the door. "Captain Kirk? This is security. Are you all right?"

Kirk springs up, hurrying to open the door before they knock it down. It slides open to reveal two armoured officers with phasers. "Are you all right, sir?" the one on the right asks. "Doctor McCoy told us you were in danger from an imposter impersonating Captain Spock."

Kirk nods. "Thank you for coming, but I'm fine. It was just a misunderstanding." He rummages quickly for an excuse. "An acquaintance of mine is a shapeshifter, and was just playing a little joke on me." It says something about his life that the first part of that sentence is true.

The two security officers look at each other. "Well, if you're sure, sir…" the one on the left says.

"I am," Kirk assures them. "But I appreciate your speed in getting here. If I truly had been in trouble it would have been greatly appreciated." He swears they stand a little taller at the compliment.

He glances past them and sees McCoy waiting a few metres down the hallway. Along with Spock. Kirk's heart jumps at the sight.

He focuses back on the security officers, giving them his most persuasive grin. "Honestly," he says. "I'm sorry to drag you out here, but everything's fine."

The two exchange glances, but then seem to agree. "All right, sir. But we'll be nearby in case you need us." With that they turn and head back down the corridor. Kirk watches them leave with a sense of relief. The last thing he needs is the news of an extra Spock getting out.

"All right, what the hell's going on?" McCoy demands, as the security officers leave. "You can't expect me to believe that nonsense about shapeshifters."

Kirk smiles in spite of himself. "I'll explain in a minute," he promises. "Right after you tell me what you're both doing here." He meets Spock's gaze, smiling, and tries not to notice the lack of affection in his eyes. Spending time with the alternate Spock has affected his expectations, and it's hard not to be disappointed at the difference.

"What, you expected us to leave you to deal with a situation like this alone?" McCoy asks, drawing Kirk's attention back to him. He leans forward and adds more quietly, "Once he found out security was headed to your apartment he insisted on coming along. Wouldn't take no for an answer."

Despite the awkwardness of the situation, the words cause warmth to bloom in Kirk's chest. Spock looks just as blank and emotionless as usual, but Kirk can't help but hope this is an indication that Spock does still care about him the way he used to.

McCoy uses Kirk's distraction to step past him into the apartment. He stops dead just inside the door and gives a low whistle. "Well, I'll be damned," he says. "No wonder you were fooled." Kirk turns to see him studying the alternate Spock with narrowed eyes. "Have you figured out what it is yet?"

Spock's own eyes narrow in response, and Kirk steps in before an argument can break out. Although, he thinks wryly, that would probably go a long way towards convincing McCoy of Spock's identity. "He's not an it, Bones, he's a he. And he's Spock. Just not our Spock."

"I am from an alternate universe," Spock puts in.

Kirk heads back to his seat next to him, and motions McCoy and their Spock to join them.

A pair of eyebrows raise simultaneously as the two Spocks observe each other. "Fascinating," Spock says.

"Indeed," the alternate Spock replies.

McCoy rolls his eyes exaggeratedly. "Oh, this is all I need. Pointy ears in stereo."

"You are me?" Spock asks, apparently ignoring him.

"Obviously."

"How is it you came to be here?"

The alternate Spock explains about his universe-transportation device. It's a more involved explanation than the one he gave Kirk, but as Kirk only understands about half of it he can understand why he chose to skip it. Spock, on the other hand, seems to understand perfectly. "And you created this device yourself?" he asks, when his counterpart has finished speaking.

Alternate Spock nods. "With the assistance of previous research on the subject. It was not overly difficult, once I set my mind to it."

McCoy snorts, but both Spocks seem intent on ignoring him.

"But what drove you to create such a device in the first place?" Spock asks. "What was wrong with your universe that led you to seek another?"

For one worrying moment Kirk thinks the alternate Spock is going to blurt out the whole story, but instead he merely gets a slightly distant look in his eyes and replies, "I recently experienced a great loss, one that nearly sapped me of my will to live. The machine was a comfort, allowing me to focus on something besides my pain. And once I had finished it, there seemed no reason not to test it…."

"I see," Spock says. He tilts his head and adds, "What was your loss? Surely it must have been immense to cause such a reaction."

The alternate Spock's eyes meet Kirk's briefly, and Kirk can see the familiar pain there. "It was," he says quietly. "I do not think you know how lucky you are to have avoided it." He takes in a sharp breath. "In my world, James Kirk died five months ago, and I am not certain a part of me did not die with him."

Silence follows that last revelation. Kirk finds his gaze drawn to Spock's face. He's harder to read than he used to be – likely due to the lack of a bond between them – but Kirk swears he seems almost shocked by the words.

"Do you have proof of any of this?" Spock asks.

The alternate Spock appears to think for a moment. "I would be willing to attempt a mind meld with you, if that would be sufficient proof?"

"That would be acceptable," Spock replies.

"Now hang on a second!" McCoy jumps in. "You can't just go rummaging around in his head. What if it's a trap?"

Spock frowns. "I assure you, Doctor, I am quite able to defend myself." With that, he stands, steps towards his counterpart and presses his fingers to his face.

Both Spocks' eyes slip closed, and Kirk has to suppress a flash of jealousy. He's always loved melding with Spock, and seeing him share that intimacy with someone else – even another version of himself – just reminds Kirk of what he doesn't have any more.

The meld only lasts about a minute before Spock drops his hand and steps back. "He speaks the truth," he says.

"Great," McCoy says sarcastically. "Now that that's settled, what do we do with him?"

"He can stay here," Kirk says immediately. It's a spur of the moment decision, but as soon as he says it he knows it's the right one. The alternate Spock has made it plain that he doesn't have anywhere else to go, and he's unwilling to turn away Spock in his hour of need, even if it's not precisely his Spock.

Besides, he still has a lot of questions for this other Spock, and not all of them are suitable for an audience.

"I am not certain that is wise," Spock says, studying his alternate with an unreadable expression.

"I have to agree with the hobgoblin," McCoy adds, then frowns. "The one from this universe."

"I do not mind finding other accommodation," the other Spock puts in, but Kirk shakes his head.

"Why bother?" he asks. "I've got the room, and frankly the fewer people who know about this, the better." He turns to Spock and continues, "You melded with him; did you see anything that indicated he might be a danger to me?"

"No," Spock replies, but there's a hesitation there, as if he wishes he could give a different answer. Kirk wonders what exactly he did see in that meld.

"Well, then," he says, rubbing his hands together. "It's settled."

He glances at the alternate Spock, and the look of gratitude in his eyes more than makes up for the wariness in the others'.

* * *

Neither Spock or McCoy seems happy about leaving Kirk alone with the alternate Spock, but they both have places to be; McCoy to visit his friend and Spock for a meeting at Starfleet Academy.

"Call me every four hours or I'm sending security right back here," is McCoy's hissed warning as Kirk bids him goodbye outside his apartment.

"You worry too much," Kirk tells him with a smile, and McCoy scowls.

"That's because you don't worry at all," he grumbles under his breath. He takes one last suspicious look back at the apartment and leaves.

Spock, on the other hand, seems willing to leave without a word, which paradoxically makes Kirk want his opinion more.

"Before you go, will you tell me what you saw in the meld?" he asks in a low voice.

Spock pauses briefly, as if considering the question. "He is… damaged. Your counterpart's death affected him greatly." He hesitates, then adds softly, "I do not believe he is entirely sane."

Kirk's first though is that he'd be in the same condition in the other Spock's place, but he keeps it to himself. He tries not to be disappointed; part of him hoped that the meld with the other Spock would jog his memory, but there's no recognition in Spock's eyes when he speaks of his counterpart's emotions, just a familiar blankness.

"Take care of yourself," he says instead, and watches one eyebrow raise in surprise.

"And you," Spock replies. He hesitates, glancing at the door to Kirk's apartment, and adds, "You will call if you need anything?"

The words cause warmth to spread through Kirk's chest, and he smiles. "Of course," he assures Spock. "And feel free to come back after your meeting if you want to. I'm sure you're dying to know how his machine works."

"I shall consider it," Spock says seriously. "Good day, Captain."

The 'Captain' stings just as much as it always does, but Kirk has become inured to the pain by now. He watches Spock leave until he's out of sight, then turns and goes back inside. He still has questions that need to be answered, and he has a feeling he's not the only one.

The other Spock is sitting in front of the fireplace, staring at the space where the flames would be if it were lit. Kirk sits down next to him and lays a hand on his arm.

"They do not trust me," Spock says.

"They're just concerned," Kirk tells him. "Our last encounter with an alternate universe wasn't exactly a wonderful experience."

"Indeed," Spock replies. He glances at Kirk and adds, "You do know I mean you no harm?"

"Of course," Kirk replies. He smiles briefly. "For one thing you don't have a beard. That's a good sign."

Spock nods, but doesn't answer. "Why did you ask me to stay?" he asks.

Kirk swallows. "Because I know how I felt when Spock was dead, and you shouldn't have to go through that alone."

Spock nods again. "There are times when I forget he is gone," he admits. "When I wake in the morning and for a moment imagine he is still with me. Then the pain returns and I remember." He takes a long, slow breath, and adds, "You are, perhaps, aware that Vulcans have the ability to will themselves into death? Were it not for Doctor McCoy's intervention, I would have done so the moment I felt the life leave his body. There are days I still consider it."

The description is so familiar that it causes an ache in Kirk's chest. "I understand," he offers quietly. "I flushed all my sleeping pills the night of his funeral. I didn't trust myself not to do something stupid."

He's never told anyone that before.

There is silence, but it's not uncomfortable. It's the kind of silence he used to have with his Spock, before he died.

"You never did explain how you managed to restore his life," Spock points out eventually.

Kirk hesitates. He hasn't retold the story in its entirety since it happened, despite various reporters offering large sums of money for an interview. But if anyone deserves to know, it's the man sitting next to him. Kirk opens his mouth and begins to speak.

He talks for a long time, until his throat is hoarse. He explains about leaving Spock's coffin on Genesis, about McCoy's madness and Sarek's anger, about the theft of the Enterprise and her destruction, about the Klingons and Spock's miracle resurrection and David's death, and finally the fal-tor-pan and the Spock who is alive but not yet whole. By the time he stops talking he is on the verge of tears and has to take a moment to compose himself.

"Fascinating," Spock murmurs, and Kirk gives a watery snort.

"It figures that'd be your response," he says. Oddly, he feels freer now, as if all the talking has lifted a weight from his shoulders. He studies Spock, taking in the thoughtful, sad expression on his face, and adds, "I'm guessing none of that happened in your universe?"

Spock shakes his head. "Your body was brought back to Earth and buried there. Even if it had not been, Jim – my Jim – did not leave behind a katra to replace. Even with a living body he would have been nothing but a shell."

"I'm sorry," Kirk tells him, wishing the words didn't sound so inadequate. He remembers the Vulcan phrase for offering sympathy and adds, "I grieve with thee."

"Thank you," Spock replies quietly, before changing the subject. "You say my counterpart does not remember your relationship?"

Kirk shakes his head. "He can do his job just as well as he ever could, but most of his… emotional memories, I guess you could call them, are still missing. He knows we were friends, but that's it."

"That must be difficult," Spock says, and Kirk shrugs.

"Not as difficult as not having him at all," he replies. "We were friends first, after all. It shouldn't be that much of a hardship to go back to that."

From the look in his eyes, Spock doesn't agree, but he doesn't argue, and Kirk is grateful of that.

* * * * *

Spock frowns at the terminal. According to his research, such a device as his counterpart described is theoretically possible, but difficult enough that no one has ever attempted it. Had his counterpart gone public with his invention, he would likely be both rich and famous beyond his wildest dreams.

Although, Spock thinks, it is not so unlikely that his counterpart shares his interest in science for its own sake and would not care about fame or fortune. Still, he cannot help but think there is more to this situation than the other Spock has revealed.

Not for the first time, he allows the thoughts and memories from the meld to run through his mind. He was speaking the truth when he told Kirk the other Spock was damaged. Even now, months after the loss, his mind resonates with grief beyond description, so intense that Spock worried he would drown in it. It is clear that he cared very deeply for his James Kirk, enough that Kirk's death has almost crippled him.

Spock wonders suddenly, unsettlingly, if that is how Kirk felt when he was dead. He hopes it was not. He cannot imagine living with such pain.

That thought leads inescapably to the thought of how he would feel if he were in his counterpart's position; if it were his James Kirk who was dead. The severe negative reaction Spock experiences surprises him. He is aware of a certain attachment to Kirk, likely due to their long friendship, but he did not realise it was this strong. The mere idea of Kirk being harmed is abhorrent, and makes his heart speed up and his stomach twist.

Unsettled, Spock banishes the thought and performs a meditative ritual to calm himself. If this is how his counterpart felt, it is no wonder he went half-mad with grief.

He glances at the clock. It is too late to visit Kirk, but perhaps a video call would be acceptable. Before he can reconsider his decision, he rises from his seat and makes his way over to the comm. He taps in the number for Kirk's apartment from memory, then positions himself in front of the screen and waits patiently for the call to connect.

It takes a few minutes, but eventually the loading screen clears to reveal Kirk's face. He looks surprised to see Spock, but his expression quickly morphs into a smile. "Spock!" he says.

The warmth of the greeting, combined with the smile Kirk is giving him, gives Spock a strange feeling in his stomach. He puzzles over it for a few seconds before deciding to ignore it. "Captain," he greets. "I trust you are well?"

"Is that your subtle way of asking whether your counterpart has tried to kill me yet?" Kirk asks. His tone makes it clear he is joking, and Spock has the sudden illogical urge to joke back.

"As you are not currently dead, I would assume he has not," he says.

Kirk's smile widens, his eyes lighting up. The expression suits him, and Spock is reminded of the picture he looked at in Kirk's apartment, of the two of them and Doctor McCoy. Kirk was in the centre, with his arms around them both, and he was wearing that smile. Spock wonders what it would take to make him wear it more often.

"What, you don't think I could take him?" Kirk asks, drawing Spock's attention back to the conversation.

"I believe you would try," Spock tells him. "You might even succeed." Unlikely, but if anyone could beat the odds like that it would be Kirk.

"I'm glad you have such faith in me," Kirk replies. "Luckily it didn't come to that. We just talked."

"What about?" Spock asks curiously.

He doesn't mean to pry, but Kirk's expression implies he has accidentally done so. "Just… the differences between our universes," he answers evasively. "It's actually interesting how similar they are."

"Indeed," Spock replies. "From what I could deduce from the meld that did appear to be the case. I would be interested in questioning him further."

Kirk shrugs. "Well, like I said, you're welcome to come round any time. Bones stopped by around lunchtime, but he didn't stay long." He leans closer to the screen and mock-whispers, "I think your counterpart creeps him out a little."

The words jog something in Spock's mind and he replies, "His wariness is understandable, considering what happened the last time he encountered an alternate version of myself."

"You remember that?" Kirk asks in surprise.

Spock nods slowly. "It just came back to me while we were talking." He replays the memory in his mind and frowns. "You seemed quite fixated on the fact that my alternate had a beard."

Kirk shakes his head. "It was the first thing I noticed when we materialised," he says. "I guess it just stuck in my mind."

Their conversation is interrupted at that moment as a voice – Spock's own voice – speaks from off-screen. "I made you some coffee. Black with two sugars, correct?"

Kirk turns away from the screen to accept the cup, and Spock can see the same broad smile from before spread across his face, this time directed not at Spock but at his counterpart. An unfamiliar emotion sweeps through Spock at the sight, making his stomach clench and drawing his eyebrows into a frown.

Kirk's smile fades as he turns back to the screen. "Is something wrong?" he asks, sounding concerned. "You seem… tense all of a sudden."

Spock takes a deep breath and forces himself to calm down. It is not logical for him to react so strongly to the mere sight of Kirk smiling at someone else. He wonders if perhaps he is becoming ill. "No," he says, out loud. "Nothing is wrong." His eyes flicker around the edge of the screen, but there is no sign of the other Spock. "Is my counterpart still present?"

"He's gone back into the kitchen," Kirk replies, frowning. "Why?"

Spock doesn't quite know what causes him to say the next words. "Have you considered that he may not be telling you the entire truth? I am not certain that you should trust him."

Kirk sighs. "Not this again. Look, Spock, everything's fine. Yes, he's a little screwed up, but it's understandable. I know how I felt when you-" He cuts himself off suddenly and takes a sharp breath. "He's in pain. I empathise with that. That's all there is to it."

Spock remembers his earlier musings about how his death affected Kirk. It seems that his counterpart's reaction was closer than he hoped. “May I ask you a question?" he asks quietly, unsure of whether he truly wants to know the answer.

Kirk still looks wary. "That depends on what it is."

Spock hesitates. "How… how did you feel? When I died."

Kirk closes his eyes, and for a moment Spock thinks he isn't going to answer. But he does, opening his eyes and staring straight at Spock. "You really want to know?" he asks, sounding more tired than Spock has ever heard him. He doesn't wait for a response before continuing, "It was the worst pain of my life. I've lost a lot of people in my life, but your death was harder than any of them. I don't know how I'd have managed if you hadn't come back. It was like losing a part of me. Your counterpart must be stronger than I am, because I honestly don't know how he's survived it."

Spock is so focused on Kirk's words that he doesn't realise he has stopped breathing until spots begin to appear in his vision. Hastily he takes in a lungful of air, unable to take his eyes off Kirk's face. "I had no idea it affected you so badly," he says.

Kirk raises one shoulder in a half-shrug. "I wasn't exactly shouting it from the rooftops," he says. "Besides, I did get you back, so it's not like it matters now."

Spock can't help but disagree. The situation is clearly still causing Kirk pain, even now. Spock suddenly wishes it was him there at Kirk's apartment. He should be the one making Kirk coffee and offering him comfort, not that other Spock.

"Listen," Kirk says, jerking Spock out of his thoughts. "It's getting late. I'd better go. I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

Spock wants to argue, but it's clear Kirk is tired and in need of rest. "Of course," he says instead. He searches his memory for the correct phrase and adds, "Sleep well."

Kirk smiles – a small smile, but a genuine one. "Good night, Spock," he says, and reaches forward. The screen goes dark.

Spock stares at it for a few seconds before echoing softly, "Good night."

* * * * *

Kirk offers Spock the sofa bed in the spare room to sleep on. A small, weak part of him considers suggesting that they share the bed again, but he pushes it down firmly. This isn't his Spock, and the alternate deserves more than to be used as a substitute.

Still, when he curls up alone in his big empty bed, it's hard not to remember the warmth of last night, of arms around him and a solid body against his.

It takes him a very long time to fall asleep, and when he does he dreams of Spock.

The nightmare is familiar by this point; watching from the other side of a transparent barrier as Spock reaches out, trying to touch him. Separated, apart. Alone.

When he wakes up his cheeks are damp, and he wipes angrily at his eyes as he sits up.

"Are you all right, Jim?"

Kirk's head snaps up, to see the alternate Spock standing by the side of his bed, watching him.

Kirk puts a hand to his chest, trying to calm his pounding heart. "Spock," he says. "You scared me." He blinks up at the silent figure. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard noises," Spock tells him. "I came to see if you were all right."

Kirk nods. "Yes, I'm fine. Just a bad dream."

"My counterpart's death?"

Kirk looks up at him. "Yes. How…?"

It's hard to tell in the dim light, but he thinks Spock looks sympathetic. "I had the same dream many times after my Jim's death. Sometimes it happened as in reality, sometimes it changed and I was able to save him. I believe those ones were worse."

He sits down carefully on the edge of the bed, far away enough not to crowd Kirk, but still close enough to touch. "My counterpart should be here to comfort you," he says quietly.

Kirk shrugs. "I can deal with it." He gives a bitter smile. "I've had a lot of practice."

"But you should not have to," Spock replies with unexpected firmness. Gently he reaches out and takes Kirk's hand. "We are both alone," he says, eyes meeting Kirk's almost shyly. "I would comfort you if he will not."

For a long moment Kirk just stares at him. Spock – this other Spock – is offering to give him the love and affection his own Spock is currently incapable of. Will possibly never be capable of. It's an incredibly tempting offer. A Spock that wants him, that wants to hold him and touch him and love him. Kirk almost, almost says yes.

But, as similar as they are, this isn't his Spock, and in the end he can't do it. "I'm sorry," he says, squeezing Spock's hand in his own before pulling it away. "I can't. You're… amazing, really, but you're not him."

"But he does not want you," Spock replies. "He does not even remember that he loved you."

The words sting, but Kirk recognises the truth in them. "I know," he says quietly. "But I have to believe that eventually he will."

There is silent for a long moment, before Spock nods, once. "I understand," he says. "He is lucky to have such a loyal mate."

The pain in his voice is audible, and Kirk aches for him. He can't even imagine how painful it must be to lose your bondmate and then reach out to someone in an attempt at healing only to be rejected. "I'm sorry," he says again. "If things were different-"

Spock holds up a hand, stopping him. "Please do not attempt to explain," he says. "The fault is mine. I should never have suggested it."

He stands, gathering his dignity around him like a cloak. "I believe I will return to my room now."

"Okay," Kirk says softly. "I'll see you in the morning."

Spock doesn't reply, merely leaves without another word.

Kirk lies back down, feeling bad for both Spock and himself. This whole situation is so screwed up, and he has no idea how to fix it. Part of him wishes he had taken the other Spock up on his offer, let the two of them take comfort in each other. It isn't as if he owes his Spock anything, after all. He promised until death did them part, not to spend the rest of his life tied to someone who doesn't even remember that he loves him.

With a deep sigh, he rolls over and tries to get back to sleep. After a few minutes he reaches out and grabs the other pillow, pulling it to him like a small child with a security blanket. It's no replacement for a warm, living body, but it helps, just a little.

Still, it's a very long time before he finally falls back to sleep.

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