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Ad Astra Per Aspera: Chapter 5 - Having and Wanting
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, mentions of others
Rating: PG-13
Summary: As he begins his second year at Starfleet Academy, Spock has all but given up on finding acceptance from his fellow students, convincing himself he's better off alone. First-year cadet Jim Kirk makes it his mission to change that, and ends up succeeding in ways neither of them thought possible.
Words: ~4900/31500
Jim and Spock part ways once they get back to campus. After two weeks where they were barely out of each other's sight, it's a rather strange feeling.
Ben, according to his note, is not due to return for another two days, so Jim has the room to himself. He unpacks slowly, making sure that everything is in its right place, then spends some time deciding where to put the bottle Spock gave him. Finally he places it on the shelf over his desk and just stares at it for a moment, remembering Spock's explanation of its meaning. Friendship, loyalty, brotherhood. Connection.
He brushes his fingers across it gently, then turns away, fighting the sudden urge to contact Spock. Instead, he sits down at his desk and directs his attention to the problem that's been eating at him since New Year's.
His search of the nets revealed next to nothing about Vulcan sexual practices, nothing to indicate whether what Spock told him is true. It was frustrating, but Jim is nothing if not resourceful, and has already come up with a Plan B. And now that he's back on campus, he can put it into action.
It doesn't take much effort to hack into the academy records and bring up the list of students. Jim uses the option to search by species, then scrolls down to the v's. Besides Spock, there are only a handful of Vulcans at the academy, and it doesn't take him long to find one that might work; a fourth-year cadet called T'Ris.
Jim notes down her dorm and comm number, then turns off the computer. He checks the time; too late to visit her now. He'll try tomorrow.
He retreats to his bed with a book, but his mind keeps returning to what he'll say to T'Ris when he sees her. It isn't that he thinks Spock was lying to him, but he figures it can't hurt to have a second opinion. And if what she says agrees with what Spock says, maybe he can finally begin getting over this crush.
Spock, meanwhile, unpacks swiftly, then spends the rest of the day in meditation. Despite Jim's best efforts, his sessions back in Iowa were somewhat briefer than is ideal, and it is important he take the time to centre himself before classes start back up. Especially given his recent illness.
Spock concentrates on that thought, and allows it to lead him to another thought that has been bothering him. He was ill enough that night that he does not remember much beyond Jim helping him to bed, but he cannot shake the impression that he behaved… inappropriately somehow. Jim has not said anything about it, but there have been several times over the past few days when Spock has looked up to see Jim watching him with an almost curious expression.
In the meditative state it is easier to consider things calmly and analytically, and Spock quickly comes to the conclusion that he is overreacting. Surely Jim would have informed him if he had done anything unacceptable.
The thought of Jim leads to a rush of pleasant emotions, and the next part of Spock's meditation is devoted to identifying and cataloguing them. It is a process that has become more and more necessary as he and Jim have become closer, and Spock wonders, not for the first time, if perhaps he is growing too attached to his human friend.
Possibly, he admits to himself, but the answer is irrelevant. He has no intention of stopping.
When he goes to bed that night, he lies awake for some time, feeling oddly like something is missing. Eventually he realises he is listening for the sound of Jim's breathing.
The next day Jim heads over to T'Ris's dorm with a PADD and settles down outside to wait. He has to wait nearly an hour before he sees the tell-tale pointy ears, and nearly trips over himself in his haste to go after her.
"Excuse me," he says, stepping in front of her. "I don't mean to bother you, but can I ask you a question?"
"I am bonded, and would not be interested in you if I were not," she replies coldly, and steps around him.
Jim blinks, then hurries to catch up. "That wasn't what I was going to ask," he protests. "I'm not propositioning you, I just want some information."
Her expression grows slightly less frosty, but it's a long way from friendly. "Fine," she says. "Ask."
Jim chews on his lip, wondering how to phrase his question. Finally he just blurts it out. "How do Vulcans view same-sex relationships?"
Her expression seems to soften. Jim wonders idly if it's because she's finally accepted that he isn't hitting on her. "Such things are rarely spoken of," she says. "One's personal matters should be kept personal."
"But they do happen?" Jim asks.
She studies him for a moment and gives a short nod. "They are rare, but they exist, and are subject to the same rights as other couples."
So Spock was wrong. Somehow the knowledge doesn't make him as happy as he thought it would. "And it isn't seen as illogical?"
She stares at him. "Is the colour of your eyes logical? It is what it is." Then her eyes narrow. "However, if you intend this knowledge to be anything but strictly theoretical, I feel I should warn you that Vulcans seldom, if ever, become involved in relationships with non-Vulcans."
But it must happen sometimes, Jim thinks, or Spock wouldn't exist. He doesn't say that, though, just nods and smiles at her. "I'll keep that in mind," he says. "Thanks for your help."
She inclines her head in acknowledgement and strides off, leaving Jim with a lot to think about, and what seems like more questions than he started with.
Jim doesn't say anything to Spock about what he learned. For one thing, Spock would undoubtedly ask how he came across the information, and revealing the reasons for his sudden interest in Vulcan sexuality seems like a really bad idea.
Instead he begins to pay close attention to Spock's actions towards him, trying to figure out if there might be something more than friendship there. Now that he's actually looking for it, he can see why his mother thought there was something going on between them. The way Spock acts around him, especially when they're alone, is night and day from the way he acts around everyone else.
Spock lets Jim touch him, welcomes it, even touches him back. Yet the briefest contact with anyone else has him shying away. He's relaxed around Jim in a way he isn't around anyone else. He's even let Jim watch him meditating a few times, and from everything Jim's read that's an incredibly private thing for Vulcans.
In a chess club meeting a few weeks into the semester, he watches as a dark-haired boy accidentally brushes Spock's fingers as they reach for the same chess piece. Spock pulls his hand back as if he's been burned. Later, Jim does the same thing deliberately during a private game, and gets nothing more than a strange look. He loses the game, but it feels like victory.
Of course, this state of affairs can't last forever. Five weeks into the semester comes Valentine's Day, and everything falls apart.
"So, do you have any plans for the holiday?" Spock asks, as they sit on Jim's bed doing homework.
Jim frowns, focused on reading over his essay on Andorian culture. "What holiday?"
"St Valentine's Day," Spock replies. "I was given to understand that it had some importance for humans."
Jim glances up with a smile. "Only if you have someone to share it with."
"And there is no one you wish to share the holiday with?" Spock asks.
Jim's heart starts to pound and he glances down again. "Well," he says quietly, "there is one person, but I…. I don't think they'd be interested."
"You have not asked them?" Spock sounds puzzled, and Jim grimaces, wishing this wasn't so hard.
"No," he replies, still staring at his PADD.
"Then perhaps you should."
The words are said with such conviction that Jim jerks his head up, wondering what, exactly, Spock means by that. His face is blank, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything.
"And if they don't want me?" he asks, mouth suddenly dry.
"Then they are a fool," Spock says simply.
With those words, something inside Jim snaps. Before he can think better of it, he leans forward and presses his lips against Spock's.
And for one glorious second, Spock kisses back. Their lips move against each other, and it's wonderful, and perfect, and everything Jim ever dreamed of. And then Spock breaks away, scrambling backwards with an expression of sheer terror, and Jim knows he's just made a terrible mistake.
"You," Spock says, still moving away from him. He fumbles for words and settles on, "No." Then, before Jim can respond, he turns and is gone.
Jim leaps off the bed and rushes after him, but he's already vanished. Jim stares down the hallway for a few moments, then numbly goes back to sit on his bed.
He draws his knees up to his chest, trying to breathe past the pain. Spock is the best friend he's ever had, and his stupid, impulsive kiss might have just screwed up everything. He blinks back tears as it dawns on him that he's no better than that girl all those months ago, just taking what he wanted without giving a thought to what Spock wanted.
After a few minutes he grabs his communicator and tries to call Spock. There's no answer. He tries again, then again. The third time he gives up and leaves a message. "Spock? It's Jim. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you like that. It was wrong, and stupid, and I promise you it'll never happen again."
He hangs up and curls up in a ball on his bed. He stares at the wall, trying not to think, his hand tightening around the communicator until it begins digging grooves into his skin. He wills with everything in him for it to beep, for a message from Spock saying he's okay, that he's still Jim's friend and doesn't hate him. But the communicator stays silent, and Jim is left to wonder if he's screwed up the best thing he's ever had.
Spock dashes across the grounds, heedless of anything except the need to get away. He finds himself heading instinctively for his dorm room, his oasis of calm in a world that has suddenly turned upside down.
He makes it there in record time, dashing inside as if chased by a le-matya. He locks the door and then falls back against it, slipping down until he's sitting on the floor.
He takes a few deep breaths, trying to stop himself shaking. Jim. Jim kissed him. He wraps his arms around his knees tightly, fingers digging painfully into his flesh as he relives the memory. He tells himself it was a mistake, that it shouldn't mean anything, but all he can think about is how good it felt. The warmth of Jim's lips, the way they fit together so easily, the joy and affection and sheer Jim-ness that blazed through the contact.
He shouldn't have liked it. He certainly shouldn't want to do it again.
He does.
Spock pushes himself up off the floor and heads over to the area he has reserved for meditation. He lights a stick of incense with shaking hands, before dropping to the floor and focusing inwards. I am a Vulcan. I can master this. I am a Vulcan….
He meditates long into the night. When he finally goes to bed, his dreams are filled with Jim; Jim kissing him, holding him, stroking him. He wakes to sticky thighs and an almost physical longing for touch, and realises the meditation hasn't helped at all.
He skips class that day and goes to visit a healer at the Vulcan Embassy. He checks beforehand that his parents will not be there, but his father's schedule is clear. They are both back on Vulcan, and will not come to Earth for at least another month.
Vulcan patients are relatively rare outside of Vulcan, even in San Francisco, and the healer is able to fit him in without difficulty.
Spock checks his communicator on the way there, to find three messages, all from Jim. They are all apologies, with the last pleading with Spock to call him. Spock considers it, but he has no idea what to say. Jim deserves a clear response, whether positive or negative, and that is one thing Spock is currently incapable of. He wraps his arms around himself and longs for the days when he still thought romantic entanglements beyond him.
Spock arrives at the embassy shortly after 1000. The healer, Sotar, is an acquaintance of Spock's family, and in fact treated him several times when he was young. He is one of the few Vulcans who never judged Spock for being half-human, which is one of the reasons Spock has chosen him.
However, the fact that Sotar knows his parents is a concern, and Spock does not trust Sotar quite enough to overlook this concern. His first words when entering Sotar's office are, "Am I to understand that anything I say to you will be strictly confidential?"
Sotar frowns, just a little. "That is correct."
"And you will not tell my parents that I was here?"
"Not if you do not wish it."
Spock relaxes a fraction at the words. He clasps his hands behind his back, searching for words. "I am experiencing… unwanted emotions." He firmly ignores the little voice inside that insists the emotions are not unwanted. "Meditation has not helped. I wish to know how to rid myself of them."
"The goal is to control your emotions, not eradicate them," Sotar reminds him gently. "Perhaps if you told me the nature of the emotion that is causing bother."
Spock takes a breath, willing his cheeks not to heat. "Desire. Towards one who is not my intended." He hesitates, then adds, barely audible, "A male."
Sotar is silent for some time. "Spock," he says finally, "are these emotions truly unwanted, or is the problem that you believe them to be unacceptable?"
Spock stares at him uncomprehendingly. "Are they notunacceptable?"
Sotar's expression softens faintly. "No," he says. "They are not." He gestures to the seat in front of his desk. "Sit down, Spock."
Spock sits obediently. Sotar studies him for a moment, then begins, "Do you know why children are betrothed at the age of seven?"
"So that they will have a partner when they come into their time," Spock recites. All Vulcans know that.
"Yes. The matching is done as children so that the partners will have time to get to know each other before they reach full maturity." He steeples his fingers. "And to allow time for any… problems with the match to become apparent."
Spock swallows. "Problems?"
Sotar nods. "Attempts are made, of course, to ensure that the children in question are compatible, but it is impossible to anticipate every eventuality. To account for this, it is possible for betrothals to be annulled, given sufficient cause." He pauses briefly, before adding, "An inclination towards one's own sex would be considered sufficient cause."
For the second time in two days, Spock feels as though his world has turned upside down. He listens numbly as Sotar finishes, "If you wish, Spock, I can perform an examination, but based on what you have told me I do not believe there is anything wrong with you."
Spock finally finds his voice enough to ask, "It is not illogical?"
Sotar stares at him. "Would it be more logical to bond with someone you are incompatible with?"
He's never thought of it that way before. When he thinks of T'Pring at all, it is as a stranger, someone he knows only as a face and a name and a vague presence in his mind. He accepted that he would marry her someday, but he has never felt any attachment to her as a person. He has certainly never been attracted to her the way he is to Jim.
Sotar's voice brings him back to the present. "Do not mistake me. I am not suggesting that breaking your betrothal would be the best option. You will have to decide that for yourself." He pauses briefly. "If I may ask; this person you are drawn to, is he human?"
Spock nods.
Sotar frowns. "Humans can be very fickle with their attentions, Spock. Consider that, when you are making your choice."
Spock nods again, mind going a mile a minute. He badly needs to meditate, to assimilate this new information and figure out what to do next. "I appreciate your assistance," he says. "It appears I have much to think about."
He barely remembers the trip back to campus. Meditation is easier this time, but still leaves him with a whole host of unanswered questions. The visit to the healer may have calmed some of his fears, but he still does not feel ready to talk to Jim.
He wishes he could discuss the situation with someone else first. Someone who might understand, but is not involved. But the only people he is at all close to are Jim and his family, and he cannot talk about this with them.
Suddenly a memory comes back to him. Lauren. When he met her at the Halloween party, before all the unpleasantness of that night, she was attending with her girlfriend. They are not particularly close, but she has always been decent to him. Perhaps she would be able to answer some of his questions.
Lauren seems surprised when he contacts her for a meeting, but agrees to meet him in front of the mess hall after her classes.
"So what's this about?" she asks, as they sit down on the grass a careful distance from anyone else. Not that there are many people sitting outside in the middle of February.
Spock rubs his hands together as he searches for words. He is wearing the scarf and gloves that Jim's parents gave him, and he aches slightly whenever he looks at them. "You have a girlfriend," he begins slowly.
"Had a girlfriend," Lauren corrects. "We broke up."
"Ah," Spock says. Sotar's words ring in his ears, Humans can be very fickle with their attentions, Spock. He pushes the thought aside and attempts to continue. "When did you…. How did you…." He frowns in frustration and tries again. "How did you discover you were attracted to females?"
There's a long silence. Spock doesn't look at her, instead focusing on the grass in front of him. Eventually Lauren says quietly, "How about this. I'll answer your question, but only if you tell me why you want to know."
Spock does glances up at her, then. He supposes it is a valid request; his question must seem, to her, somewhat out of nowhere. But this is the second time he has had to explain his problem to someone, and it does not appear to be getting easier. "I am experiencing… emotions that I do not have a frame of reference for. I hoped perhaps you could… I believe the phrase is 'fill in the gaps'."
"Oh." Lauren chews on her lip for a moment, then shrugs. "Well, I don't know how much it'll help, but okay. I'll tell you." She takes a breath, then begins, "I was fifteen. My friends used to talk about the boys they liked, some of them even had boyfriends, and I just couldn't see the point of it all." She shakes her head. "Then this new girl joined our class – Maria, she was called. She was smart, and funny, and beautiful, and I finally realised what my friends meant when they talked about boys, except that for me it was girls." She looks back at him. "Does that answer your question?"
It does not sound terribly different to Spock's own story, apart from the part where he did not have any friends prior to meeting Jim. "Yes," he says. "I believe it does."
Lauren chews on her lip again, then asks quietly, "Then can I ask you something?"
Spock nods.
"These feelings you've been having. Are they about Jim?" Spock just stares at her, and she adds quickly, "It's just that you're always together and I know a couple of people already think he's your boyfriend, so I was just wondering."
Spock glances around to make sure they are still alone before giving a quick nod. "I trust you will keep this confidential?" he asks, and Lauren nods.
"Yeah, of course. No problem." She gives him a tentative smile. "For what it's worth, he seems like a nice guy." She snorts and adds, "Not really my type, but you know. Generally."
"Yes," Spock says. "He is."
Spock stays there for some time after Lauren leaves, slowly getting his thoughts in order. He thinks of his father, imagining Sarek's reaction if he were to learn of Spock's feelings, then firmly shoves the thought aside. He has spent too long trying to live up to his father's impossible standards.
Instead, he thinks of Jim. Of warmth, and family, and easy acceptance. Of bright smiles, and comforting touches, and the knowledge that, for the first time in his life, he is not alone. Then he thinks about yesterday, the feeling of Jim's lips against his, and realises his choice has already been made. He still has questions, and doubts, but he's been hiding from his feelings his whole life. He's not going to do it anymore.
It is time to talk to Jim.
Jim is lying on his bed, trying to concentrate on his PADD but mostly just staring off into space, when the door buzzer sounds. He blinks, looks over at Ben – listening to music and utterly oblivious – then pulls himself up with a sigh and goes over to open the door.
Spock is standing on the other side. Jim's first instinct is joy and relief, but the serious look on Spock's face gives him pause. "May we talk?" Spock asks. His gaze flicks over to Ben. "Privately?"
Jim has to swallow hard before he can talk. "Yes. Yeah, of course."
He walks over to Ben and pulls out one of his earphones. Ben's eyes fly open. "What?" he grumbles. "I was enjoying that."
"Mind listening to it somewhere else?" Jim asks. He nods at Spock, adding, "Kinda need some privacy."
Having gotten most of the story last night after finding Jim curled in a miserable ball, Ben only takes a few seconds to make his connections and come to a decision. "Yeah, sure. Just give me a sec." He jumps up, shoves a few things into his bag, and is out the door in under a minute.
Once the door has shut behind him, Jim turns to Spock. "Do you… want to sit down?" he asks.
Spock nods, and the two of them sit down on Jim's bed. Spock leaves an obvious gap between them, which makes Jim's chest ache. He doesn't trust me.
"I am so, so sorry about what happened," he says. "I should never have touched you like that. It was stupid, and thoughtless, and I'm sorry."
But Spock doesn't seem interested in his apologies. "Did you mean it?" he asks slowly.
"What?" Jim asks, caught off guard.
Spock's gaze is oddly intent as he looks at Jim. "When you kissed me. Did you mean it?"
Jim considers lying, but Spock deserves better than that. "Yes," he says. "I like you a lot, more than I've ever liked anyone." Spock nods, and Jim continues quickly, "But it doesn't have to change anything. I can control my feelings, I've done it before. Please don't let this ruin our friendship."
Spock is silent for a long moment. "Our friendship is precious to me as well," he says finally. He looks down at his hands and takes a deep breath. "You are aware that my childhood was… difficult. The other children shunned me, so I spent a great deal of time alone. Eventually I convinced myself I preferred it that way." He glances up at Jim. "Then I met you, and I could no longer convince myself I was better off alone."
Jim aches to reach out to him, but stays his hand. To his surprise, it's Spock who reaches out to him, taking his hand and holding it tightly.
"There are things I have to tell you," Spock says.
Jim nods, struggling to focus on anything but the warmth of Spock's fingers against his. "I'm listening."
Spock takes a deep breath and begins. "When I was seven years old I was betrothed to a Vulcan girl called T'Pring. We were not close, in fact I have not seen her in years, but the betrothal still stands." He pauses, as if searching for words. "Your… feelings are not unrequited, Jim, but I am… hesitant to break off the arrangement for a relationship that may well be temporary."
Jim's heart speeds up at the knowledge that Spock does have feelings for him, but he forces himself to slow down and consider the rest of Spock's words. "But you could break this arrangement if you wanted to?" he asks.
To his surprise, a faint streak of green appears on Spock's cheeks. "I consulted a healer. There are several ways to dissolve a betrothal, one of which is the indication of homosexuality of at least one partner." One corner of his mouth twitches upwards as he adds, "It appears I was not correct when I told you such relationships would be considered illogical."
Jim decides now would be an excellent time not to mention that he already knew that. "Are you saying you want me?" he asks instead. "The way I want you?"
Spock nods, looking vaguely uncomfortable. "You will have to be patient with me," he warns. "My knowledge of… physical intimacy is somewhat limited and strictly theoretical."
Jim smiles. "That's fine by me," he says. "There's a lot of stuff I haven't done either. We'll figure it out together." Then his mind is drawn back to the start of Spock's admission, and he frowns. "But what about T'Pring?"
Spock swallows, glancing down at their clasped hands. "It is complicated. There are things I cannot tell you, but it would be… unwise for me to break the betrothal without another partner to take her place." His eyes meet Jim's. "A permanent partner."
Spock doesn't ask the obvious question, and if he's honest, Jim's a little glad of that. He likes Spock a lot, actually he's pretty sure he loves Spock, but they're still teenagers. There's no way he can promise forever. "So you're just going to leave it?" he says. He isn't sure how to feel about that.
"For now," Spock says. "If we are still together when the time comes for me to marry her, you can decide whether to take her place."
"And your… fiancée won't mind that you're involved with someone else?"
Spock frowns. "I cannot see why she would." At Jim's disbelieving look, he adds, "You are viewing the situation through human eyes. A Vulcan betrothal is more like a business arrangement, with little to no emotion involved."
It sounds awful. Jim makes a promise to himself that, whatever happens, he won't let Spock marry someone who doesn't love him. "You deserve more than that," he says, and the look in Spock's eyes makes him hurt, like Spock doesn't quite believe it.
Jim wants nothing more than to kiss him and hold him and show him how wonderful he is and how much he deserves to be loved, but he knows that isn't what Spock needs right now. What Spock needs is for Jim to respect his boundaries. So instead he strokes his thumb across the back of Spock's hand and asks, "Can I kiss you?"
Spock's eyes darken and he licks his lips unconsciously. "I would like that," he says.
Jim smiles and leans in. Spock, true to his word, is inexperienced at best, but he's a quick learner, and this kiss is a hundred times better than the last one. To Jim's surprise, when they finally break apart it's Spock who's the first to move back in, as though he can't get enough. They don't go any further than kissing, but Jim doesn't care. Right now he thinks he could do this forever.
They sleep that night in the same bed, just holding each other. They're both clad in nightclothes, but it's still the closest Spock's been to another person since he was a small child.
He wakes up in the middle of the night to find Jim curled against his chest. Spock lies there, watching him sleep, and for the first time in his life feels truly content.
Next
EEEkkjkkk
So to summarize, I've never read a TOS academy AU and this was awesome, teenage Kirk and Spock slowly falling in love. It was well written, I couldn't stop until I finished it. The characterization of both of them was perfect, very true to the original characters, yet sweet and romantic nonetheless. Excellent fic, thanks for sharing.
Re: EEEkkjkkk
I've never read a TOS academy AU
Yeah, there aren't a lot of them around, sadly, which is partly why I wrote this one.
The characterization of both of them was perfect, very true to the original characters, yet sweet and romantic nonetheless.
I'm glad you think so! It was really interesting trying to figure what teenage Kirk and Spock would be like, so I'm happy to know you thought they were in character.