Ad Astra Per Aspera: Chapter 4 - Merry Christmas

[lah_mrh]

Fandom: Star Trek TOS (AU)
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, mentions of others
Rating: PG-13
Summary: As he begins his second year at Starfleet Academy, Spock has all but given up on finding acceptance from his fellow students, convincing himself he's better off alone. First-year cadet Jim Kirk makes it his mission to change that, and ends up succeeding in ways neither of them thought possible.
Words: ~5200/31500

The next day is Christmas Eve, and Jim and Spock spend the morning accompanying Jim's father to the woods to cut down a Christmas tree.

George gives them a list of qualities they should look for; about six foot high, lots of branches, a nice long trunk, and then the three of them split up.

Spock does not entirely understand the purpose of the exercise, but he wishes to be helpful, so puts all of his effort into finding a suitable conifer. After a few minutes of searching, he finds one that hits all the stipulated points, as well as being pleasingly symmetrical. He points it out to Jim, and his friend's eyes immediately light up.

"Spock, it's perfect," he says happily, then yells, "Hey, Dad! We found one!"

George comes striding through the trees with his laser cutter. "Good choice, boys," he says, as he studies the tree.

"Spock found it," Jim says, and Spock blinks as George's eyes land on him. "You said you've never picked out a Christmas tree before?" he asks.

Spock shakes his head. "No, sir. I have never even seen a Christmas tree before today. Apart from in pictures."

George smiles. "Well, kid, you've got a knack for it." He motions them to stand back, then looks back at Spock. "You want to help me cut it down?"

Spock glances at Jim, who nods furiously. "Yes," he decides.

George shows him how to operate the cutter. "Just put your hands here, and aim it at the trunk right there, like that."

Spock complies. He remembers his own father guiding him like this when he was very young. Back when such things weren't considered a weakness. It gives him a strange aching feeling in his chest.

With one hand on the cutter to steady it, George flicks the switch to turn it on. A beam appears out of the top and begins to cut into the trunk in front of them. Carefully, with George's help, Spock moves the cutter across until he has covered the whole diameter of the trunk, making sure to angle the beam so that the tree will fall away from them.

Sure enough, the tree falls backwards into the snow. George turns off the cutter and bends down to pick up the trunk, ordering, "Jim, you take the end, Spock can go in the middle."

Spock hurries to comply, and together the three of them bring the tree back to the house.

Once they get there, Spock leaves Jim and his father to set up the tree and retreats upstairs. For the first time since he has arrived here, he locks the door of Jim's room. He does not like locking his friend out like this, but it is necessary. It is time to wrap Jim's gift.

The finished product is less polished than Spock would like – he has never actually wrapped a present before, and Jim's is a rather inconvenient shape – but it is fully covered and so he deems it acceptable. He writes To Jim, from Spock on it in small, neat letters, and moves on to the gift he bought for Jim's parents.

By the time Jim comes up to the room to tell him they've got the tree set up, Spock has finished his wrapping and stashed the presents carefully under his bed.

They eat lunch, then begin the much anticipated task of decorating the tree. Winona insists that Sam be involved in the decorating, which makes things slightly strained. Still, even with the tension between Jim and his brother, the process is rather fascinating.

Spock watches – and eventually is dragged in to help as – the family drape the tree in long strips of metallic fluff known as 'tinsel', then hang coloured balls and miniature objects on the branches. One of the objects is a clay circle with Jimmy written on it in large, wobbly letters, but Spock doesn't have a chance to examine it fully before Jim has plucked it out of his hands, cheeks strangely pink, and hung it out of sight on the other side of the tree.

The process is slowed somewhat by Molly, who keeps batting at the ornaments and has to be shooed away. She seems particularly fond of Spock, constantly rubbing up against him and butting his hands with her head. More than once, Spock finds himself absently reaching out to stroke her, and is oddly comforted by the purr he gets in response. He finds himself almost enjoying this decorating ritual.

Finally, when there is scarcely any green left visible and the tree looks as if it can hold no more, Winona pronounces it finished. She then holds up a large gold star and says, "Just one thing left. Spock, would you like to do the honours?"

Carefully, Spock extracts himself from Molly and stands. He takes the star from Winona and glances down at it, then up at the tree. There's only one spot he can see that isn't already covered. "It is to go on the top?" he asks.

Winona nods, and he reaches up and sets the star in place on top of the tree.

As soon as he steps back, Winona claps her hands together. "Oh, it looks wonderful," she says. "I'll go get the presents." She's out of the room before any of them can reply.

"You should feel honoured," Jim tells him, smiling. "Usually only family get to do the star."

Spock glances away, unsure how to respond to that, and catches Jim's brother watching him – watching them – with a curious expression. He turns away once he sees Spock looking at him, and Spock feels a strange surge of protectiveness. He remembers how utterly crushed Jim looked yesterday after their argument, and does not intend to let anything hurt him like that again. Not even family.

Turning to Jim, he asks, "Would it be possible for you to show me some more of your 'video games'?"

Jim grins. "Of course. I've been meaning to introduce you to Earth Colony II. I think you'll really like it."

They make their way up to Jim's room, leaving his brother behind.

* * *

Christmas Day begins early. Jim is awake by 0800, and he and Spock spend the time playing chess until his parents get up.

The five of them have a quick breakfast of toast and cereal and then assemble in the living room to open presents. Jim's parents sit on the sofa, while Sam curls up in an armchair, seemingly still half asleep. Jim sits down next to the tree, and Spock doesn't hesitate before joining him.

According to family tradition, Jim, as the youngest, is in charge of handing out the presents. He and his brother both end up with piles of gifts from their parents, George and Winona have a few each, and Spock ends up with two gifts, one from Jim, and one from his parents.

Once all the presents have been given out, Jim grins at him, then begins gleefully tearing into the stack before him.

Spock glances around before picking up the gift labelled as being from Jim. It is cuboid in shape, lighter than he would expect, and he shakes it gently before beginning to carefully remove the paper.

It turns out to be a box of Vulcan spice tea. Jim pauses in his attempts to turn a pile of nicely-wrapped presents into a larger pile of ripped paper long enough to ask, "Do you like it? I noticed you drinking it once or twice and I thought it might remind you of home."

Spock sets the box down carefully, touched by the gesture. "It is… most thoughtful. Thank you, Jim."

Jim beams. "I'm glad you like it."

He goes back to burying himself in paper as Spock picks up his second gift. This one is larger, soft and squashy, but before Spock has a chance to open it, he realises Jim has finally come across his gift for him.

Jim's expression as he uncovers the coloured glass container is equal parts confusion and awe. "It's beautiful," he says, glancing up at Spock. "What's it for?"

Spock swallows, wondering if what he thought was a good idea perhaps wasn't. "On Vulcan," he begins slowly, "water is very scarce. In ancient times the gift of water, or a container to store it in, was a way of sealing… friendships. It is a somewhat outdated tradition, but I thought perhaps…."

He trails off. Jim is staring at him with a very strange expression. "If you do not like it-" he begins, but Jim cuts him off.

"Like it? No, Spock, I love it." He touches Spock's arm, sending warmth through his whole body. "I think it's the best present I've ever gotten."

That seems somewhat unfair to Jim's parents, but when he looks over at them, they don't seem to mind. Winona, in particular, looks almost as happy as Jim. Spock ducks his head, uncomfortable with all of the attention, and realises he is still clutching his second gift.

Curious, he carefully removes the paper to find a scarf, hat, and gloves, all in a deep shade of blue.

"I realise you and Jim already got you some, but I thought you might like some spares," Winona explains.

"Indeed," Spock replies, fingering the tasselled edge of the scarf. "Thank you."

She smiles. "And thank you for the plant. It was very thoughtful."

Spock nods, relieved at the knowledge that she liked his gift. "You are welcome."

Jim ends up with a mixture of books (one real, the rest on computer tapes), video games, and more 'useful' presents such as food and clothing. Sam mostly has credit chips, and does not seem impressed with his reindeer sweater.

His own gift to Jim is a pair of black socks with yellow stars on them. "To remind you of space." It is not, in and of itself, a bad gift, but knowing the relationship between the two it is hard for Spock not to see it as a jibe. Jim apparently feels the same, as his "Thank you," sounds more than a little forced.

Still, it is a remarkably pleasant experience, overall, and Spock feels warm all over again when he and Jim retreat to Jim's room and he sees Jim putting his gift in pride of place on his dresser. "Is it really a Vulcan tradition to offer water to seal a friendship?" he asks.

"Yes," Spock says. "In ancient times it was mostly used when making alliances between clans. It is rarely used nowadays, but the tradition lives on."

"I'm glad," Jim says, and Spock gets the impression he isn't just talking about the tradition any more.

"Indeed," he says softly.

* * *

Jim's father's parents are off-planet visiting his father's sister and her family, and so cannot come for dinner, but his mother's mother arrives at 1500.

The first words out of her mouth when she sees Spock are, "So, you're Jimmy's young man, are you?"

Luckily, Jim steps in before Spock has to think of a way to react to that. "He's not my young man, Grandma," he says, with the air of one who has had this conversation more than once. "He's just a friend."

Spock stands stock still as Jim's grandmother studies him intently, as if searching for holes in Jim's story. "Pity," she says finally, before wandering off to the kitchen in search of her daughter.

Jim waits until she's out of sight before slumping against the wall with a sigh. "Sorry about that," he says. "She's always been overly interested in my love life. I think her first thought when I told her I liked boys as well as girls was that now there were twice as many people she could set me up with."

He gives a huff of laughter, before his expression becomes more focused. "It didn't bother you, did it?" he says. "Her thinking that you were my boyfriend? I swear I didn't say anything like that to her."

"I did not think you did," Spock replies. "And no, it didn't bother me. We are aware of the truth. Nothing else matters."

An odd expression passes over Jim's face, but it's gone before Spock can identify it. "Right," he says. He glances around and adds, "Do you want to see what's on the vid-screen?"

They spend the time until dinner watching several Christmas-themed episodes and specials. They are somewhat difficult to follow, given Spock's limited knowledge of Christmas traditions, but as an insight into human culture, they are fascinating. He is almost disappointed when Jim's mother calls them away to set the table.

Well, she actually calls Jim away, but Spock is uncomfortable leaving him to do all the work by himself. He has been to enough formal dinners with his parents to know the proper layout. This is, of course, much simpler, but the knowledge translates well, although Jim seems amused by his attention to exact symmetry and spacing.

When they are finished there are six places set around the table; two on either side of the table, one at the head and one at the foot.

Spock sits on one side next to Jim, with Sam and his grandmother on the other side, and George and Winona at either end.

The five humans have turkey, while Spock is given a plate of nut loaf. It is not something he has tried before, but he finds himself enjoying it.

Jim's grandmother asks him a lot of questions, about himself, and Vulcans in general. Some of the questions lead Spock to believe she has not entirely given up on the idea of he and Jim being involved. But, as he told Jim, as long as they know the truth, other people's beliefs are of little consequence.

Still, by the time dinner is over, he is feeling somewhat overwhelmed and tells Jim quietly that he is going to go upstairs and meditate. Jim just nods, letting him go with a hand on the arm and a promise that he won't be disturbed.

Spock gives him a grateful look and heads upstairs to their room.

* * * * *

Jim isn't surprised when Spock retreats to their room to meditate; his friend is a very private person, and his grandmother seemed intent on finding out every last thing about him, despite Jim's best attempts to stop her.

Of course, with Spock gone, she starts in on Jim. The good news is she seems very fond of Spock, the bad news is she can't understand why the two of them aren't boyfriends, and no amount of 'we're just friends', or 'he's not interested' will dissuade her from her goal. Jim loves his grandmother dearly, but when she finally decides it's time to leave, he has to fight not to cheer.

Once she's gone, Jim's mother ropes him into helping clear up the kitchen, which he quickly learns is just a pretence so that they can talk. "Grandma can be a bit overzealous, huh?" she says as he begins loading dishes into the washer.

Jim snorts. "Was she always like this?" he asks.

"Yes."

He shakes his head in disbelief. "How did you stand it?"

Winona shrugs. "Mostly by not listening to a word she said." They share a smile and Jim goes back to loading dishes.

The silence is broken a few moments later by Winona saying slowly, "Jim, my mother can be annoying, but sometimes she has a point. Are you sure there's nothing going on between you and Spock?"

Jim resists the urge to bash his head against the wall. "Not you too," he groans. "I already told you, we're just friends."

"Yes, but you want it to be more, don't you?" It's barely a question, the words gentle but firm. Jim has a sudden memory of being ten years old, unable to hide his crush on Jenny O'Connor from his mother.

"Jim?" she asks, and he can't lie. He gives a sharp nod.

She comes closer, laying a hand on his shoulder. "So why haven't you told him?"

Jim gives her an utterly baffled look. "He isn't interested in me, Mom. And even if he was, he's a Vulcan. They're not really big on the whole same-sex relationships thing."

He glances up at his mother to see her frowning. "Jim," she says, "I don't claim to be an expert on Vulcans, but I've been watching the two of you interact for days now, and that boy has barely left your side the whole time."

Jim sighs. "He's shy, and surrounded by strangers. It's not surprising he wants to stick close to the only person he really knows here."

From the look on her face, it's clear she isn't convinced. "All right, well what about the touching? All the Vulcans I've ever met had personal space bubbles the size of Texas. This morning I saw you touch Spock, right on the arm, and he didn't even blink. And I've seen him touch you, too."

Now that she mentions it, that does seem a little odd. A half-forgotten memory rises in his mind – Spock stroking his face, lulling him to sleep during a migraine. Surely he wouldn't do that for just anyone? But Spock told him that sort of thing doesn't happen on Vulcan….

Hope begins to rise in Jim's chest, and he pushes it down ruthlessly. His mother's just reading into things, that's all, and now she's got him doing it. It's practically a miracle that Spock has let him in this far, he has no right to hope for anything more. "You're wrong," he says. "He told me. Relationships like that aren't logical." He crosses his arms and turns away, swallowing past a sudden lump in his throat.

"Jim-" his mother starts, but he cuts her off.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Out of the corner of his eye he can see her raising her hands in surrender and stepping away. "All right, fine. Maybe I'm wrong. But at least think about it, Jim? You could be throwing away something wonderful."

Jim sighs. "All right. I'll think about it." Thinking never changed anything yet, but it's enough to make her happy.

"That's all I ask." She smiles and adds, "Can you check if there're any more glasses in the living room?"

Happy to get out of the kitchen, Jim obediently wanders into the living room to look for glasses. His dad hands him a couple when he asks, and he turns to go back to the kitchen when he sees Spock coming down the stairs.

He's struck, once again, by how attractive Spock is, and mentally curses his mother for making him think, even for a second, that he might have a chance there. Spock's friendship has been enough up to now and, dammit, he's going to make sure it stays that way.

With that in mind, he heads out into the hallway, still clutching the glasses. "Hey. Finished meditating?"

Spock nods. "Is your grandmother gone?" he asks.

It comes out a little wary, and Jim has to hold back a smile. "Yes, she's gone. You're safe."

He swears Spock relaxes incrementally at his words. "She is… an interesting woman."

Jim grins. "That's one way of putting it."

The edges of Spock's lips curve upwards slightly in response, before his eyes fall on the glasses in Jim's hands. "Would you like some assistance in clearing up?"

Jim follows his gaze. "Actually, I think we're almost finished. Besides you're the guest. It wouldn't be fair to put you to work."

Spock tilts his head. "You are not putting me to work. I am offering."

Jim shrugs. "Well, if you insist. Come on." He leads the way back to the kitchen.

His mother gives him a meaningful look when he re-enters the kitchen with Spock, but he just glares at her. He puts the last of the glasses in the washer and straightens up. "Is that everything?" he asks, turning to his mother.

"Yes, I think so," Winona replies. "You boys go play."

Jim glares at her again.

* * *

Sam leaves on the 27^th, heading back to college to meet up with his girlfriend. Jim can't say the thought particularly bothers him; they've barely spoken two words to each other since the day in the garden when his brother decided to throw his worst memories back in his face. After that, there really wasn't much to say.

So he isn't exactly thrilled when Sam corners him the morning of his departure and asks if they can talk.

"We don't have anything to talk about," Jim snaps. "Leave me alone." Spock is in the bathroom, and their parents are downstairs, so they're alone for once. He'd be happy to change that, but Sam is blocking his only exit.

Sam runs a hand through his hair. "Look," he says. "I was a jerk. I know that. I never should have said what I said, and I'm sorry. Really."

Something inside Jim unclenches slightly, but he isn't about to let his guard down. "Keep talking," he says grudgingly.

"You were right. I haven't been a very good big brother, and I'm sorry for that. I know I can't make up for it, but-" Sam digs something out of his pocket. "Maybe this will help."

He hands Jim a computer tape. Jim turns it over in his hand. "What is it?"

Sam manages a smile. "My friend Mark? His cousin's an ensign in Starfleet. I got him to send me her notes from the academy." He shrugs. "She's an engineer, so I don't know how much use it'll be to you, but I thought it might help."

Jim stares down at the tape, unsure how to feel. "Does this mean you're okay with me being in Starfleet?"

Sam shuffles his feet. "I won't lie to you, Jim, I still don't like Starfleet. But you're my brother, and if this is what you want, I'll support you."

It isn't everything, but it's a start. "Thanks," Jim says, then shrugs and adds, "Sam."

His brother smiles. And, after a moment, Jim finds himself smiling back.

* * *

Jim and Spock's vacation after Sam leaves is much the same as it was before he arrived, but happier, as though some sort of tension has been removed from the house.

Their parents try to hide it, but Jim can tell they're happy that he and Sam made up. Spock is his usual impassive self, but he seems happy for Jim, if a little wary. It occurs to Jim that Spock might be concerned about Sam hurting him again, which makes him feel warm all over. He's fairly sure Sam's apology was genuine, but it still feels good to know that Spock cares enough to look out for him like that.

In his high over finally having his brother back, Jim considers suggesting that maybe Spock's problems with his parents could be solved too. He manages to keep himself from voicing the thought, though. Spock's family is his own business. All Jim can do is be there for him, the way Spock was for him.

The two of them have arranged to head back to campus just after New Year's, giving them enough time to settle in before classes start up again. Jim spends the time between Sam's departure and New Year's relaxing, playing games, watching movies, all with Spock at his side. (And usually Molly, who seems to have chosen Spock as her new favourite person. Jim doesn't know whether to be annoyed at her fickleness, or applaud her good taste.)

He still thinks his mother is wrong about Spock's feelings for him, but there are times when he wonders, just a little. Times when he looks up to catch Spock watching him, or when Spock agrees to something Jim knows he isn't really interested in to make Jim happy, or when he looks at the gift Spock gave him.

He starts experimenting with touching Spock, more and more, on the arm, the shoulder, the knee. Far from pulling away, Spock seems almost to lean into it. And then, gradually, he begins to reciprocate.

And then there's New Year's.

Spock has been acting strange all day; barely eating, spending long hours in meditation, curling up as close to the fire as he can even though the house is 75 degrees and he's wearing three layers of clothing. Jim has asked him at least three times if he's feeling okay, but always receives an answer in the affirmative.

Around 2200, Jim suggests they go to bed. His parents have gone out to a party, so it's just the two of them.

Spock blinks at him. "I thought the tradition was to stay up until midnight."

Jim sighs. "You don't have to observe every tradition, Spock, and you look exhausted."

It's precisely the wrong thing to say, as Spock immediately straightens up and proclaims, "I am fine."

Jim curses mentally as he recognises the look on Spock's face. There's no way he'll get him up to bed before midnight now without dragging him. "Fine," he says, with a sigh. "I think there's a movie on Channel 25."

Spock seems content with that, and they sit side by side to watch the movie; a documentary on the founding of the Federation. Spock sits closer than he usually does, but Jim doesn't think anything of it. At least, until about halfway through the movie.

He's watching Jonathan Archer make a speech to the soon-to-be Federation Council, when he feels something on his shoulder. He glances to the right and realises it's Spock, fallen asleep with his head on Jim's shoulder.

Jim's first thought is a wry, Oh, yeah, you're completely fine. His second thought is that at least Spock is finally resting.

Carefully, trying not to wake him, he manoeuvres out from underneath, then lays Spock down on the sofa and covers him over with a blanket. Then he retreats to an armchair for the rest of the movie.

The documentary finishes at ten minutes to midnight. Jim turns off the screen, clears up the remnants of snacks and drinks, and turns off the fire. Then he turns to Spock, still unconscious on the sofa. He considers leaving him there, but he doubts his parents will appreciate the surprise when they get home.

He shoos Molly away from where she's curled up against Spock's stomach, then reaches out and shakes Spock lightly, thinking that at least he'll be awake for midnight like he wanted. Spock doesn't stir. Jim shakes him a little harder and he mumbles something unintelligible.

Frowning, Jim touches the back of his hand to Spock's forehead, and bites his lip as he feels the heat pouring off him. He knows Vulcans are usually hot, but this can't be normal.

He grips Spock's shoulder and shakes him firmly. "Spock. Spock!"

Spock groans and mumbles something that sounds like, "No, not Jim. Take me."

Jim blinks at the sound of his name, then resumes his shaking. "Spock!"

Spock finally rouses, looking confused. "Jim?" For an instant, naked concern crosses his face. "They didn't hurt you?"

"No," Jim assures him. "I'm fine. It was just a dream."

Spock blinks. "I… feel strange."

"You're running a fever," Jim tells him.

Spock blinks again. "That could explain it." He goes to sit up and frowns. "Why am I lying down?"

"You fell asleep," Jim replies, concerned by how out of it Spock still seems. "Listen, Spock, you're really warm. Are you going to be okay? Should I call someone?"

Spock seems to consider it for a moment, his gaze going distant. "No," he says finally. "I merely need rest." Jim's uncertainty must show on his face as he continues, "I understand your concern, but my body temperature, while elevated, is still far below the danger level for Vulcans. You do not need to worry unless I begin to hallucinate."

There's a comforting thought. "Maybe we should get you to bed," Jim suggests.

"That seems best," Spock agrees.

Spock is a little unsteady on his feet, so Jim helps him up the stairs and into their room. When Spock is sitting down on his bed, Jim remembers the time. He checks again. One minute past midnight. "Hey," he says. "Looks like you were awake for the New Year after all."

Spock seems to perk up a bit. "Indeed," he says. "Happy New Year, Jim."

Jim smiles. "Happy New Year."

As has become their routine, he grabs his pyjamas and goes to the bathroom to change. When he gets back, Spock is curled up under the blankets on his bed, with only the top of his head visible. Jim calls a goodnight, but gets no reply.

With a shrug, he turns off the lights and is soon asleep himself.

* * *

He's awoken in the middle of the night by a strange noise. After a few heart-pounding moments, he realises it's coming from Spock's side of the room.

He slips out of bed and makes his way over there, concerned that Spock's illness might have gotten worse. "Spock?" he whispers. "Are you okay?"

There's a shuffling sound, then Spock's voice comes out of the darkness. "Jim?"

"Yes, it's me."

"Not logical," is Spock's deeply confusing response.

"What isn't?" Jim asks, carefully lowering himself to the floor next to Spock's bed. His eyes are beginning to adjust, and he can just make out the shape of Spock's body under the covers.

"You," Spock replies, and Jim swears he sounds upset. "I tried to be logical, but you make me feel. I tried so hard not to feel." The words are followed by a sharp indrawn breath, almost a sob. "It isn't logical," he says. "It isn't right."

Jim aches for him. Gently, he reaches out and lays a hand on what he's fairly sure is Spock's shoulder. "Hey," he says. "It's okay. Go back to sleep."

"I tried," Spock says.

"I know," Jim replies softly. "Go back to sleep."

Spock makes a noise that might be an agreement, and Jim feels him shift under his hand. After a few minutes Jim hears his breathing become deep and even, and it's obvious he's fallen back asleep.

Jim stands and makes his way back to his own bed, but sleep is a long time in coming.

Spock's fever has thankfully broken by the morning, but he spends most of the next day sleeping off the remnants of his illness. He doesn't seem to have much memory of the things he said while he was ill, but no matter how much Jim tries to tell himself that Spock's words were purely due to the fever, he can't quite believe it. Spock probably wouldn't have said such things if he hadn't been feverish, but there was too much sincerity there for Jim to think it was entirely false.

He doesn't know how to feel about Spock's admission. On the one hand, it's the first real declaration of feeling he's ever heard from his friend, but the idea that their friendship might be causing Spock pain makes his heart ache.

And, he admits, there's a tiny part of him that wonders what exactly Spock meant by their friendship not being logical. That wonders if maybe, maybe, his mother might have had a point after all.

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