Hush, Hush, Hush

[lah_mrh]

Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kirk struggles to cope with Spock's death.
Words: ~400
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts
Notes: Written for the comment_fic prompt: When the will to live is greater than following your soulmate into death. Please heed the warning.

It's the night after Spock's funeral and Kirk can't sleep. Not that that's really surprising. Looking back, he doesn't think he's slept for more than a few hours since he boarded the Enterprise what feels like a lifetime ago.

Every time he closes his eyes he sees Spock's face, burnt and blinded, his hand pressed hard against the barrier that separates them. It still doesn't quite seem real, like this is all some horrible mistake and Spock's going to walk through the door at any moment. Their lives have been entwined for so long that it's hard to believe one bad decision could have separated them so completely. But even if he was inclined to self-deception, it would be difficult to ignore the constant wrenching pain of a broken bond that echoes through every cell in his body.

Sighing, he gets out of bed and pads into the bathroom. Perhaps some chemical assistance is in order.

It only takes him a few moments of searching to unearth the sleeping pills, and he wanders back into the bedroom and sits down at the desk to open them. The cap refuses to move the first time he pulls at it, and impatiently he tries again. Unfortunately, he overestimates the strength needed and the cap comes flying off, sending pills scattering across the desk. Kirk sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose in frustration.

Feeling suddenly very tired, he begins to gather the pills together, but something stops him. He picks up one of the capsules and weighs it in his hand, studying the sleeping pill covered desk with new eyes. It wouldn't take much, he thinks. A couple dozen pills, maybe some whiskey to wash it down, and he and Spock could be together again. The pain and grief and guilt that fills his every waking moment would finally be over.

It would be so easy.

He sits there for a long time, staring at the desk, then slowly gathers up all the pills, walks into the bathroom, and flushes them down the toilet. He never has been one for the easy route.

It doesn't make him feel better, but it does clear his mind somewhat. Like it or not, he has a duty. To the ship, to his friends, and even to Spock. Spock, who gave his life to save everyone on the ship, including Kirk. Spock, whose last words were a wish for Kirk to live long and prosper.

He still doesn't know how he's going to live without Spock, but it would be an insult to his memory not to try.

Comments

[half-vulcan.livejournal.com]

Wow! That was deep, sad and perfect.

[lah-mrh.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.

[offski.livejournal.com]

Just right. *sniff*

[lah-mrh.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[museaway.livejournal.com]

Sad and yet some hope at the end, that Jim will (eventually) be okay. I liked this.

[lah-mrh.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I wonder sometimes how he would have managed if Spock hadn't come back.

[museaway.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine. I think he would just be destroyed. I think he would have leaned heavily on Bones, but it would never have replaced the empty thing inside him. To have been that close with another person -- and I don't even mean this from a K/S standpoint necessarily, it works for K&S too -- and to lose that person, to know he died for Jim (and the others, but for him)...I don't think he could ever recover from that. It would haunt him for the rest of his life. I imagine he'd see Spock's hand against every pane of glass he walked by.

[hanasaki.livejournal.com]

It was a beautiful and sad fic.

[lah-mrh.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad you think so!